Ministry...

Watching this video, my heart stirs with this thought, this excitement, this revelation of how beautiful life is. I don't know any of the people in the video, but I know that our hearts all ache for the same thing - to be seen, to be desired, to be known deeply and still be pursued, to be loved completely.. This is why I am a Young Life leader - beacuse my soul has been captured in this beautiful, crazy thing called life by a Being that knows my inner most thoughts (the insecurities, the pain, the desires, the frustrations, etc.) and yet, somehow only by His grace... loves me still. I can't hold this joy in - this pressure, this burning desire, this passion, this reality of being caught up in love-  builds up and 'my cup overfloweth'...

Im not the 'typical Young Life leader', and I don't think I need to be.. Jesus puts in my lap these incredible people to love, live life alongside, cry with and laugh 'til my sides ache and my heart is full. But its not easy - midnight trips to the ER (no joke, when I walk in most of the nurses and dr.'s know my name!), messy cars, typically empty wallet...

But a more full, I could never have imagined - talking for hours under the stars about life, love, brokeness, boys, and Jesus; seeing the Lord provide for me in ways that literally make me speechless, and having moments that make my heart skip a beat...

Sitting under a sky full of shooting stars in British Columbia, BC; sea kyacking in miles deep water with seals; 600+ middle school kids having 'the time of their lives' dancing to an awful techno song; teenage girls and their babies being loved on maybe for the first time in their lives; my heart being redeemed somehow in the breaking off endless tile, painting over grafiti, mixing cement, and sweeping the floor of a community center in Costa Rica for Vida Joven; hiking to waterfalls in the jungle;  walking barefoot on a white gold beach with the chorus of waves thumping and monkeys talking as the midst from the light rain fall on my checks - knowing utter peace in that moment;  seeing kids stand up for Say So and feel the Lord and all His angels do a little dance up above; the sound of angels in the voices of work crew kids singing out into a brilliant clear night; handing the keys to a new home to a family in Puerto Penasco, Mexico and knowing the Lord and I both have tears of joy running down our faces; hundreds and hundreds of students from around Arizona going crazy with glowsticks; bonfires and rootbeer kegs, dance parties and neon tights, dodgeball with dozens of college students and snowball fights in the middle of our college campus, duct tape man, filling up car to overflowing with ballons, hikes and picnics and coffee dates; watching a golden sunset in fall from Mount Humphreys; climbing down inside the Grand Canyon in the dark to sit on a ledge and watching the pink and purple paint the sky to being the sunrise; watching girls discover the heart of Jesus, watch their souls stir to life as they catch glimpses of how utterly the Lord is in love with them...

Even as I write this, more and more moments are coming to my mind - memories that are apart of my soul. I think Henri Nouwen captures the jist of this - "ministry means the ongoing attempt to put one's own search for God, with all the moments of pain and joy, despair and hope, at the disposal of those who want to join this search but do not know how." This is what the Lord has called me to do. This is 'what I was made for', why 'my cup overfloweth' and why my soul dances...

Henri Nouwen...

So, I've had several conversations about this man, Henri Nouwen, recently and after reading one of his books -'In the Name of Jesus' - (which is incredible!), I wanted to know more about his life and ministry.. He is not perfect, he struggled, he wept, he sinned, and in the midst of all that - he had incredible moments with Jesus. He met the Lord in ways that make my heart skip a beat and as I read his thoughts, my soul craves to know the Lord in this way - to be caught up tight in my belovedness..  Here are a few quotes I stumbled upon that I've been wrestling with, being transformed by, and redeemed through... Maybe the Lord will do the same with you :)

 

"Ministry means the ongoing attempt to put one's own search for God, with all the moments of pain and joy, despair and hope, at the disposal of those who want to join this search but do not know how." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"Often we come home from a sharing session with a feeling that something precious has been taken away from us or that holy ground has been trodden upon." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"A friend is more than a therapist or confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness. A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, "Isn't that beautiful," or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -  Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence." - Henri J.M. Nouwen

 

"We fail to see the place of suffering in the broader scheme of things. We fail to see that suffering is an inevitable dimension of life. Because we have lost perspective, we fail to see that unless one is willing to accept suffering properly, he or she is really refusing to continue in the quest for maturity. To refuse suffering is to refuse personal growth." - Henri J. M. Nouwen

Young Life, love life.

                                                                 Lost Canyon, Williams Arizona

                                                                     YL NAU - Flagstaff, Arizona

Sisters...

Love...

That split second..

Why is it that the world is so screwed up? Why do people who claim to love us, by actions show that they really don’t? Why does that hurt so much?

How can people walk through life acting like they are have it all together and only see failure in others? Why do people seem to want the world to focus around them- forgetting that others are worth time and attention and can have so much to give back? How can we get to busy that we can’t sit and listen or do something small (or large) for those the continuously seem to be blessing us? Why is life so hard? How can people, who you should be able to trust, respect and admire– betray and not care? Why is it that it hurts so much when people forget promises or commitments made to you? How did trust become so unpopular?

How can someone pledge their forever and then take it away when something or someone better comes along? How can someone not want a beautiful girl with big green eyes and a smile that melts your heart?

Why are there millions of children being given absolutely no hope for the future when they ARE the future? How can people walk on by, when there are so many just crying out for someone to care? Why are so many kids having babies- just so they can feel loved? But then how can they do to their kids exactly what their parents did to them? How much longer are people going to ignore those that need a smile or a hug, cause maybe that is the only thing that will help them to survive the day?

Why is it so hard to believe someone when they compliment you? What happened to the thought that everyone has influence to those around us- not just those with money or power? When did power become something to abuse and not use wisely? Why are we letting kids think that it is o.k. to hurt and condemn those that look or speak different than us? Why are we showing the next generation that nobody should care about those that come after us?

Sometimes my heart hurts so much when I look at a child or adult and in that split second of eye contact, they beg and plead to have someone, anyone show them that they ARE so important, that they are simply and completely loved for no reason other than they exist. That they can do NOTHING, good or bad to have that love taken away.

It makes me think that maybe that is how God feels when He looks deep in our hearts- that second of complete and utter vulnerability. That one moment that holds everything about ourselves that we don’t ever want to face alone. Those moments of complete devastation at the loss of our dreams or losing someone we love. The exact point in time when nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be the same. God’s heart is so big that He tells us that we don’t have to face that moment alone. He says that we are made to be in complete fellowship with him. He knows about those moments and thoughts that we hide from those around us as well as those we try to not face ourselves.

He knows better than anyone else what it means to be left with nothing. He gave up everything just so He could know how we feel when we are completely lost and empty. All He wants in that moment is to be able to cry with us and be able to simply BE in that moment with us. It scares me to think of someone loving me that much...

We, or at least I, seem to go through life looking to the people around me and objects to feel that acceptance that seems to be deep in the existence of all of us. I want to know deep in my heart that I am completely and deeply loved. I want to have someone look me in the eye and say that I have done nothing too bad or made too many wrong decisions or screwed up my life past the point of being redeemed. I want someone to look at me and say “I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!”

Not “I will love you when… you do this for that person” or “If you act this way, then I will decide to love you”. I seem to have the desire deep in me- it controls most of my actions and I let it play hugely on my insecurities’. So why is it so hard and why does it hurt so much to make the effort to BELIEVE with all of me that God loves me in that way? He made me to have that overwhelming desire to be loved like that and He is the only one that can fill that huge hole in my heart.

It is hard because I have made choices that placed me in positions of getting my heart stepped on. Now I have a very hard time trusting anyone and the instinct of self preservation keeps a voice going in my head of “Well, that person thought I wasn’t worth it.” And “Remember that one time, when they said those words and they didn’t care that they were hurting you?” “Oh and recall those moments of not feeling beautiful enough for them or worthy enough of their attention? Well, you had better believe they were true. So don’t ever believe that stupid person who dares say you are good enough.”

It is a silly little image that makes me feels like I am in a Disney movie, but I feel at times like I can touch those little people that sit on my shoulder. One of them being my consciousness and mind and the other being my broken heart trying to protect itself. One saying that I am not worth anyone’s time and attention and emotions, and then the other saying that all those thoughts are lies that are sent to my mind so that I will have a very difficult time trusting that I could ever be worth anything to some- let alone the God that is utterally perfect and chasing after me...

It is so much easier to believe those voices of pessimism and negative images of myself. In those all too often moments that I surrender to those thoughts, I want to run from God. I don’t want Him ever to know that I think that stuff of myself. In those moments, I KNOW in my soul that I am telling the God that made me that I think He did an awful job on me. That all of the time and thoughts and wishes and dreams and plans He created for me are useless. I can’t imagine being God. I have such a hard time dealing with rejection but I can’t come close to comprehending how much it must hurt to have to watch me, someone He loves so completely and so deeply and without reservations, turn away. To have to sit back and love me enough to have me spit in your face and yell and scream at Him. And through all that, have only the profound desire to have me sit and cry out my troubles in his lap.

I want so much to believe that He loves me more than I could ever comprehend.To believe that He thinks and dreams and plans for me to have a life that would be better than I could ever dream up on my own. He wants to make my heart unbroken and He wants me to trust that He will never do something purposely to hurt me. It is so hard to walk in those thoughts but I am resting in the peace that I don’t have to be or do anything. That all I have to do is sit and be honest with him and let him have power over my insecurities, let him have the right. There aren’t words to describe that moment of utter peace and complete belief in Him and in myself.

Who was the mother of Jesus?

What must it have been like to be Mary?

I mean studies have shown that she was between the agaes of 13-17. She is going about her life, about to marry the man she loves and then all the sudden this huge angel appears and tells her not to be afriad but she is going to become the mother to the man who causes the lame to walk and the blind to see. She has been touched by the Holy Spirit.

Most know how the story goes but what about reading between the lines of the story that has so much inmpact to this day. She was young and she must have had her own dreams for her life - equivalent to us going to college or traveling or the jobs that we love. Could I just drop everything-all the things, people, dreams and goals for my life to allow God to have total and complete authority in to it?

Not only does she want this she knows what an honor and gift is given to her. I sometimes… no, alot of the time don’t understand why I am in this situation or why I have to go through this. I get resentful and bitter of these things that make my life hard to deal with. Then it hit me while I was reading this story- imagain the lifestyle she lived in. It was considered a sin to be with a man before you were married and we know she was a virgin, so people just assumed that she had been unfaithful to Joseph - that is even what he thought so he was just going to divorce her. She put aside her social standing and her love for Joseph because she trusted in God enough to know that He always has her best interest in mind.

Do I have that much faith? Could I go against my family, society and everything else cause I knew that this was something God had called me to do? And it comes down to- can I simply be content and have joy while trusting that there is a purpose that I am going through this for a reason. That He never simply just wants to cause me pain. The Bible says that we are to have joy and be content wherever God has placed us. That it is a joy to serve Jesus even though and more so when it causes us pain or is hard.

Job is a wonderful example. Through losing is lifestyle, entire family, and having his body become so ill - he never denied his faith in God. What a wonderful legacy to leave behind.

Transformation..

When Moses was walking down the path, he saw a burning bush and he had the option to turn and watch God work and see His glory - however it would be revealed – or he could continue on his way because of any number of reasons - fear, anxiety, maybe the hustle of life that blocked his view of the bush, and so many other reasons. He chose to turn aside and look at the bush, to ask questions and see what God was doing. But then it came down to the point that God was asking something of him – telling him to go and see the Pharaoh. Moses questioned Gods timing – His relevance to where Moses was in his life, emotionally and physically. Moses didn’t think that he was the right person for the job, he thought that God was mistaken when He selected him – how often do I feel this way… In Ortberg’s words, God’s response was this reaction to Moses - “I know all about [those fears, etc.]. [They don’t] really matter much. For I will be with you. Your guilt and your inadequacies are no longer the ultimate truth about you. You are who you are – but that’s not all that you are. You are what you are but you are not yet what you will be. I am with you.”

My gosh, how freeing is it to hear those words! To know that all my many inadequacies aren’t stopping me and cant prevent Jesus from working in me, that even though Satan tries his hardest to use them against me – nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. The only ultimate truth of me is that I am in love with and loved by Jesus – that nothing needs to come in between us, though sometimes in my moments of fear I chose to allow there to be… To know that no matter what I might choose to put in the space between us for the moment, I can never run far enough or fast enough to escape – that I am captured and found completely in Him. There are no words to describe the feeling of utter joy and peace that those words speak to my heart. “You were created to be the masterpiece of God” (Ortberg). God planned and anticipated and dreamed and thought of and desired us from the beginning of eternity – how then could we not be a masterpiece, a treasured being from the very beginning on into His eternity?

What is transformation? Its sounds painful – I keep imagining the X-men movies. For most of them it is extremely painful – both emotionally and physically. It changes their lives unbelievably and they aren’t ‘normal’ – they are required to conceal their true selves because otherwise their lives would be in danger. I don’t know about you but that does not sound fun or like what I want my life to look like – even though it sells in the movies… So with that image in my mind – how do I figure out what the truth is regarding us and transformation and then how does Christ fit into the true reality? “We are called by God to live as our uniquely created selves – our temperament, our gene pool, our history. But growing spiritually means to live increasingly as Jesus would in our unique place – to perceive what Jesus would perceive if he looked through our eyes, to think what He would think, to feel what He would feel, and therefore to do what He would do” (Ortberg). It brings to mind the verse of dying to yourself – I am going to chose to let some other being live in me and in essence, get so powerful and evident in me that I am completely wrapped up and entangled with Him. This sounds beautiful, a little scary, supper exciting and absolutely incredible! We are created who we are for a reason and we have purpose – God doesn’t make mistakes and since He created us we aren’t mistakes. Again, nothing that we are is a mistake – God’s timing of placing us into this world wasn’t and will never be a mistake. What would happen if we as a generation, as a nation, as a world genuinely and authentically believed this was true…?

“The possibility of transformation is the essence of hope” (Ortberg). My heart aches to be transformed – I have grown so tired and frustrated with myself that I crave all that Jesus wants to do in me. Does it mean that I don’t still have to deal with my junk every moment – of course NOT, though how I wish that was so! And I don’t think me feeling this way is going against the knowledge that I am created perfectly by Him – it’s just the next step in the relationship. I think in every relationship there comes the time to commit and be in the relationship – it means dealing with your issues, it means confronting your past, only listening to truth, loving with 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, being honest and genuinely seeking the other persons’ heart. From these desires come the knowledge that you aren’t perfect and that there is junk and crap and yuckiness in all relationships. When I sit and think about all my mess, it blows my mind that Jesus not only desires but craves to be in the mess with me – to hold my hand on the days that I can’t understand what is going on or the whys of it all, to love me even when I am intensely impatient with myself or with others, to stand by me when I am completely alone and when I feel like He is so far away, to walk after me and pull me back when I try to walk away…

“There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their live is to ours as that life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” Hmm… we are immortal? Doesn’t that sound almost like a secret to keep? Wait, we have something so special and so alive in us that we are more then we ever thought? More then the world gives us credit for? How would we act and treat each other if we realized and believe wholeheartedly that we are all immortal – that we are precious and loved and adored enough to be raised above any other creature in creation?
We are a complex being – we have emotions and a soul and desires and dreams and quirks and things about ourselves that frustrate us – and this is life. A very wise man told me that “Life is lived in the transitions”. For a bit I sat there and wondered if that was true and then he gave and example of everyday life that exemplified this – rushing somewhere and losing patience with someone we love. We are so focused on reaching a destination or accomplishing the goal that we lose the opportunity to be Jesus during the transition… When I look back and see and feel again all that has happened this year – I see how true the statement is… I get so focused on the end or reaching the point to then reach the next that I miss what Jesus is doing in me, I miss the chance to be Jesus to someone when He has opened the door if I’m not living in the transitions…

This summer I get the opportunity to be in a place of imaginable joy and also incredible pain – its in this middle ground of letting go of the past, all the junk and mess in the lives of thousands of kids and watching them begin moving towards Jesus and the healing that He so abundantly gives —- this is where Jesus has placed me. I get to be in a place where God moves hugely and transforms lives and live alongside people in a transition… Gosh, how huge! I am discovering that maybe this summer wasn’t just about what I am good at – but growing in areas that I needed to be challenged in… The hard part is then choosing to daily be open to being transformed… This is where Jesus has to shine…

It continues to blow my mind that I put such restrictions on what I expect Him to do in my life, on the ways I look (or don’t look) for Him to be working in me and how I continue to underestimate all He is working in my life. Maybe this is God’s way of answering my prayer “Search me O God…” Ps 138:23. Maybe He has a bigger plan for my life and my journey this summer than I expected, then I gave Him credit for… Maybe this is His way of revealing to me more about Himself and His love and grace and mercy and maybe this is how He is healing me… How beautiful…. How blessed am I that I’m being provided for and given opportunities to heal in ways I never knew I needed to until now…

Questions... And love.

What makes us who we are? Is it what others think of us? What we make of ourselves? Is it what we have inside and then through situations it is revealed? Are we a blank slate and then God fills it as we go through life?

What makes me who I am? How do you answer that question? Do you let others define who and what you are? Do you leave it all up to “chance”?

What gives us charcter? Personality. Morals and goals. And what we spend our time doing. What we have gone through and how that has changed us- for good or bad. How we treat others.

Im coming to realize more and more that I want Jesus to define me because when I look at myself I see all these things that I don’t like - selfishness, pride, stubborness. I want to be what He sees in me - I want to reflect His glory and love. Maybe it doesn’t matter so much how you start but where you end up…

Maybe the important question isn’t whether we decide or God choses us, but rather that we are chosing, each day, to walk in a relationship with him. Yes its hard, painful, confusing and honestly frustrating sometimes. But in all that, there is glory, there is an aboundance of love and an incrediblely beautiful story. So I am deciding to keep walking in this, to stick it out - cause when you fall in love with someone you make it work, you desire the other person so much in your life that you make adjustments for them and the relationship, you desire to spend the time and energy to bless the other person.

I guess this also translates into a romantic relationship/marriage; when both or either of you fall out of love or are struggling to love the other person, I think it becomes a decision instead of just a feeling to continue to love the other person, to rise above the pain and hurt and continue to work through it. Maybe one of the reasons why we have so many broken families from broken marriages (though this isn’t the reason for every case) is because they both fell out of love at the same time, one of them didn’t have a vision for the future, one of them couldn’t carry the love for them both for a while…

Maybe Im wrong and it sounds stupid… Watching my parents marriage I have seen alot of pain and misunderstandging, but also alot of redemption and love - not only from my father but from Jesus as well. From their relationship, I see alot that I don’t want in mine someday but some I do… My prayer for every marriage/relationship right now is that forgiveness and redemption would be evident. That Jesus would fill in all the gaps and imperfections and allow us to love each other in grace and hope and peace, that He would be glorified in them and that our relationships would reflect Jesus’ love for us…

The Lord has been teaching me so much and one of inumerable ways is through photography and art. Im such a visual person - its amazing how He uses a picture to capture my heart, makes it stutter, brings my soul to life,

redeem the brokeness in so deep within me.

I'm stubborn and oh so thankfully, He is so patient to keep teaching me, showing me how big He is. I have to keep setting my feet on the one thing I know to be true - I am the Beloved and He is the only thing that my heart can hold onto.

In the midst of the craziness, the rush, the push, the uncertainty, the

 bluriness of life - I have to grasp the only thing that is steady,

the only One that is solid and utterly capable...

The One that chases after me and pursues me in ways that leave me speechless.

 He is the only thing that keeps my shattered heart together..

So, here are the writings of a girl in the midst of a crazy journey with all the adventures, joys, struggles, insecurities, memories, laughter and the tears, and Jesus moments.. Hopefully this blog captures a little bit of each of these glimpses of life!