"Holla, mi nombre es..."

One of the things that is rolling round 'n round in my head is this idea of names. I was talking about it with some friends a bit ago and since then, I've been loving what the Lord is showing me about my name and about our identities.

Maybe Shakespeare was onto something in Romeo and Juliet with his famous "what's in a name?" quote - it is such a powerful question. When someone asks who you are, the natural response is "Well, I'm (insert your name)", and that's that. Our name is what we are known by, it's our identity, something we can embrace or hide behind, something we can be proud of or want to walk away from. It has this power, this element of revealing our soul.

There can be so much love in someone's voice when they say our name.. Or such indifference. Someone remembering my name has the power make me feel loved, known, wanted and important; but on the flip side, if someone's like 'Oh yeah, you... how's it going?', I feel a little lost and a lot insignificant.

It got me thinking... about my name and what it says about me. So, (and if you know me, you know what I did next..), yep I googled the meaning of my name (big surprise right!). And this is what I found:

      Kailey means 'keeper of the keys', 'pure/purity', 'darling', 'beloved', 'rare beauty'.

      Elizabeth means 'God's promise', 'God is my oath'.

I sat there and was overwhelmed. I mean, 'keeper of the keys'? Seriously? THAT'S really me? 'God's promise'? What does that EVEN mean??! I've been captivated with how John is so fully rooted in being 'the beloved one' but I don't know if I could really call myself that...

And some beautiful words came from Jesus to soak into my heart.. Sometimes it blows me away how intimately the Lord knows my heart - He KNEW that I would need my name to be BELOVED so that I could soak in it, so that I could remember every time my name is spoken, called or yelled that I am really hearing 'darling, My beloved'. He KNEW that I would need something as ridiculous as a middle name to remember that my identity, my reason for living is to be apart of fulfilling His promises of love and redemption here as I walk this earth.

And the whole 'keeper of the keys' thing, I don't know what that is all about but there is something in my soul that resonates as I hear those words... So I'm going to keep thinking over those words and see what other sweet things the Lord has for my heart in them :)

The more days I live, the more I am coming to realize that importance of knowing who we are. Not just the random 'I can do this weird trick' (though that's fun and good), but more who I am - where my heart is, what makes me come alive, what makes me stop and thank Jesus, what makes me ache for grace, what makes me rest in His faithfulness, what makes me reach for trust, what brings me to my knees, what stops my heart with beauty, what makes me run away and what pisses me off, what stirs my soul...

Cause if we don't know who we are, if we aren't sure-without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt/deeply-aware/living-in-the-midst of our identity as the loved one, then I don't think we can fully come alive.. I know that when I'm trying to patch this/just make it to the next moment/cross things off my list/stay above the water, then I'm missing something vital, something crucial. That isn't me living a full life, it's not me coming alive, it only existing.

I don't want to just exist.

I want 'm gonna dance.
I want 'm gonna be joyful.
I want 'm gonna stand in awe.
I want 'm gonna be speechless.
I want 'm gonna laugh so hard I cry.
I want 'm gonna ask hard questions.
I want 'm gonna intimately know God's heart.
I want 'm gonna know that meaning of family.
I want 'm gonna love so hard my heart hearts and my hands are dirty.
I want 'm gonna have the 'stampeding elephants' feeling in my stomaching.

And so, I am going to live out my name to it's fullest. I'm going to be the person that my name calls out to me to be.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard. Hard to stand firm in my 'belovedness' when I have so many things screaming at me that I'm not worth it, that all I got is junk. Hard to sink deep into 'God's promise' when I have a video on replay in my mind of all the times I've screwed up.

BUT, thank goodness for the His faithfulness. For His grace. For His peace. For the way that He covers all my inadequacies so that I can just keep breathing in and moving closer to His heart and who He has made me to be... :)

Dirty Hands...

                                                                                                

I want my life to look like the lyrics of this song. I want 'this' to be bigger than me. I want my soul to be awake. I want to breathe out Jesus is how I love and how I pursue girls. I want to invest my life in love, to be remembered for how big I loved. I want Jesus to be so big in me that I cease to exist, and it is solely Him chasing after hearts through me.

My heart aches for the faces that pass through my mind almost constantly. I want my heart to be broken, I want to see redemption. I want to be stunned and speechless at how BIG the Lord is and how infinite He is. I want my soul to stand in places of injustice and brokenness. I want to trust and dream big - bigger than my comfort zone, bigger than what I think I can do, past all of me. 

I want to push my dreams solely into God's realm so I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was because of Him and His grace that they are coming true. 

And I am. Moment by moment. Taking the next step or falling to my knees at how the Lord is pursuing my heart. Conversations in my car driving down 40 or 2 hour long talks in my kitchen that I know are only because of the Lord knowing my heart so deeply and intimately, knowing the words I need to hear to challenge, inspire and call me out.                                                                                

Filling a mop bucket and coming face to face with my need for control, gasping for grace and grabbing for Jesus.                        

Standing in a room with 350 friends, men and woman, that are crying out for hearts broken over our cities, for healing and redemption, for God to show up and be glorified. Standing soul to soul proclaiming and declaring that we're walking in faith towards Jesus, taking as many of our middle school, high school and college friends with us.

Reading the words of incredible women as they reveal not only their insecurities but also the holy moments of their adoption journeys and the adventure they are trusting the Lord with. The passion the Lord has given them to rescue and bring home their children from around the world, just as Jesus pulled us and rescued us, bringing us home to be in His arms... 

I believe the Lord absolutely delights in us moving closer to His heart; asking for ours to be broken for what breaks His; for the moments He gets to romance my heart and show me how worth it I am; the chance to wake me up with a loud boom of thunder and huge hail hitting my window so that I can smile and fall back asleep thinking how cool Jesus is... 

I'm still prone to impatience.. I'm still sick to my stomach at how selfish I am... I still have an awful terrible struggle with letting go of control and trusting..

And yet, the Lord is asking big things of me. Instead of standing up and proclaiming "I got this God, thanks for the chance to show off how great I am - oh yeah, and You too!", I want to be on my knees asking for more grace and holiness, thanking Him for using the mess I am, asking to be closer to His heart then ever before. 

I've been learning so much recently about what it means to lead, to be a leader and to be a follower. I am realizing more and more the people in my life that "lead me" towards Jesus  are the ones on their knees, getting their hands dirty. 

The more I see and discover the kind of leader I want to be, the more I want to be on my knees and get my hands dirty. The more I want to talk to Jesus. The more I want my eyes to be open and my heart to be looking for the holy moments, the glimpses of Jesus working and walking and crying and dancing with me. 

A friend wrote this as his status and I was captured by these words:  "Live the kind of faith that ought to require seat belts; do the kind of work that ought to require gloves." 

I can't wait to stand before Jesus, say that I definitely needed a seat belt and that I got my hands dirty :) 

Waiting...

I came across this poem as I was reading a friend's blog this morning and it struck me hard... This past year (and still going) has been and is so much about trusting myself and trusting Jesus; about His faithfulness and me learning to be faithful; about healing and brokenness; about redemption and grace; about peace and joy; and wrapped up in all of that, its been about waiting...   


I've prayed word for word some of the lines in this poem - wishing for fast answers and quick fixes, for immediate gratification and for my heart not to be broken. And yet, the Lord has met me here - when my heart is broken He can speak and heal; when I'm tired and lacking faith, He covers me and my selfishness; when I'm frustrated and not at all patient, I can  see His grace in this elaborate redemption adventure He has asked me to be apart of.




                                                                         Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said,"Wait.""

Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate

hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?

"I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.

Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?

"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

~Author Unknown

And so I wait. 

I wait for God to continue pursuing my heart and revealing a little bit more about where He has called me; I wait and open my arms to the people that are in my life now, loving and crying and living and dreaming together; I wait and I pray for the faces that pass through my mind and dig deep into my heart; I wait and dream of possibilities and opportunities and adventures; I wait and I learn and seek knowledge and wisdom, I ask questions and dream; I wait and I rest, knowing that my life will not look like this much longer; I wait and learn patience and just a little bit more about relying on the Lord with all of me, instead of just a part; I wait and I pray for friends now and friends to be, for an abundance of grace and a mass of courage, for the adventure and plans that are unfolding, for God to be bigger than I could dream imagine and even bigger to even comprehend...

I'm captivated by this song... The lyrics are words from my heart and so I listen to this on repeat for hours, knowing that Jesus delights in my waiting, that He is meeting me here and preparing the adventures to come, the relationships and faces to meet, the joys and the heartaches in store, the profound grace and the chances to catch deeper glimpses into His heart, to come face to face and heart to heart with His unconditional and all consuming love. 

I sit and I dance and I pray and I cry and I trust and I love as I am waiting for the next step, the next piece to fall into place, the next challenge to jump into on this crazy adventure of life that He for me. 

Into the light...

AMEN :)

Speechless.

I am completely speechless, surely I should fall to my knees..

My God leaves me utterly speechless that He chooses me.

I have been given much and much is expected of me.

Much is on my heart, on my soul... My empty arms ache and my heart hurts as it longs for what the Lord is putting together...

I am excited, heart broken, passionate, emotional and a little scared - what a fantastic place to be!

Stampeding Elephants :)

Have you ever prayed a prayer that sounded great and meaningful and then not really expected an answer to it?


There have been a few times that I have prayed an 'innocent' (insert finger quotations) prayer, not anticipating, expecting or really even looking for an answer or solution, and THAT is when the Lord pounces on my heart and throws a curve ball, reveals answers, provides wisdom or nudges someone to call me out, etc..


Each time, no joke, this has happened I am shaken, I am moved, I am uncomfortable, and I realize anew how much He delights in pulling me closer to His heart. 


I can not move closer to Jesus, I can not be redeemed and healed if I'm oblivious, if I'm comfortable and stagnant, if I'm totally confident that I got it all figured out, can I? Of course not.


So as the birthdays keep going up, I'm realizing more and more that I ache to be surprised by Jesus. I crave to be thrown a curve, to get that tingling in the stomach when I am little out of my comfort zone, and the HUGE "elephants on a stampede" feeling when I'm way WAY WAAAAYYYY past my "I got this!" zone..


Because, it's those places that I meet Jesus in ways that totally blow my mind. 


It's when I show up when it's hard and even though it hurts that I'm on my knees talking or crying with Jesus, not at Him. Its the moments that push me past all predictability, my own plans and convenience into nothing less then holy moments; into conversations that stir my heart with truth and healing; into 
opportunities that change my life and into lives that collide with mine in powerful ways that can only be from Jesus. 


I 'innocently', (again, insert finger quotations), was walking in the woods and talking to Jesus about a year ago and just asking questions, wondering what Jesus would say / how He would answer if He was walking next to me and just asked for Him to "show me what breaks Your heart, that is where I want to be...". Yup, even as I read this, I'm like "What the HECK was I thinking with THAT one!"...  


Looking back to that moment I can see the Lord with a gentle smile and tears in His eyes as He says "Just wait my darling, come and see what I have in mind for you... Look and dream, cry and laugh, be patient and move forward as I align things to answer this in incredible ways; as I give, provide, and stretch in ways more than you can ever dream and imagine on your own!"... 


It shakes my soul when I get glimpses of how completely He knows my heart, my dreams, my personality (quirks, included!), what makes my heart hurt and where I get frustrated. And in all of this, He knows where I fit in this grand dream of redemption and family He has... Boy, does He have big dreams!


My soul stutters at how He has begun to show me how He is answering that prayer from a year ago... And I can see little flashes of conversations, books, holy moments, classes, verses and people from that past that He put in place years before I even thought to pray those words as signs along the way, as directions in the journey, as motivators and inspiration to start ideas and dreams growing and flowing in my head and heart.


So here's to me aligning my heart to His, to a "stampeding elephants in my stomach" future and a journey that is bigger, fuller, deeper than I could dream or imagine... :)

I figure I can't out-dream God, so I'm gonna go WAY BIG - gotta keep Him on His toes, you know ;)

Peter and grace...

I am Peter. Jesus built His church on Peter (his name means "rock", go figure!) but he was probably the worst disciple. Ever. He screwed up big time and yet because our God is a god of miracles and grace,(and 2nd, 9th and 21st chances) God chose someone who needs a ton of grace and lots of patience to be the stronghold for the church. I am definitely Peter.

Jesus told His friends that it was God's plan for Him to be arrested - when things were going how God put them together that night in the garden, who freaks out and cuts off someone's ear? Yup, Peter. I can hear Jesus chuckling as He picks up the bloody ear and puts it back on the soldier's face, "Peter, do you think for a MINUTE that I'm not going to do what the Father asks of Me? That I won't drink the cup the Father has given Me..?" I wonder what went through Peter's mind as he saw the Lord literally healing the wounds he had caused by his rash behavior and lack of trust...

Jesus told Peter that he would deny Him 3 times; Peter says "No, no! Jesus, I love you, I would NEVER not claim you! I would never forget, never give up, never walk away, never get frustrated!". But we know how the story plays out, Peter DOES reject and deny his relationship with Jesus 3 times before the sunrises. This after just watching Jesus heal the ear problem hours before, Peter resorts to pride and proclaims "I WOULD NEVER!", only to be insecure and untruthful by doing EXACTLY as the Jesus said he would. And in that moment that the crow echoes through the allies as he is huddled around a fire trying to get warm in the dusky morning glow, how his heart must have plummeted... Those sinking feelings of failure, fear, and loss. Yet our God is one of grace and had it in abundance in that moment and in the ones after..

After Jesus has risen, He went to see His friends while they were fishing on the water. What does Peter do...? Oh yeah, in his rush to get to Jesus he jumps/dives/belly flops off the boat and into the water and swims/doggy paddles to the shore; while the boat simply turns around and heads towards Jesus on the shoreline (makes sense right?), gotta think the boat got there first... So good 'ol Peter, soaking wet and muddy, tiredly crawls up the bank of the water to plop down at Jesus feet. I can see His smile as He looks down at Peter - full of love, patience and grace - and then He opens His arms and welcomes Peter home...

I am Peter. I think I got it all figured out and so jump out of the boat, in a rush to get to the 'destination' and end up at the Lord's feet soaking wet, having taken the longer, and of course more exhausting way; then we just chuckle as He picks me up or both cry as He reaches down to hold my hand and pull me close against His heart. I love the Lord; I want to step out in faith; I want to be courageous instead of living in fear; I want to chose to love and be intentional like Jesus but I wonder how many times I deny Him through my actions, my "me" oriented thoughts or attitude...? Yes, I am Peter. I have my own time-line, my own ways of jumping in to "save the day" instead of trusting Jesus to show up and work miracles.

And yet, I am left speechless at the grace, the peace, the patience and this God who wants my heart so desperately. When I jump instead of sitting at the Lords feet praying and asking Him or when I get afraid or insecure, these are the moments that God's grace and His love are so clear. The peace that comes in the place of the expected disappointment is remarkable. I am shaken not by fear of failure, disappointment or unworthiness but by this love that defies all understanding, that covers my heart, that delights in vulnerability and trust, that seeks peace and grace instead of anger, guilt and hurt...

I am beginning to understand what Paul is talking about in 2 Corthinians 12,

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was give the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was to push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength come into its own in your weakness.' Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen! I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift! It was a case of Christ's strength moving in my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size - accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." ( vs. 7-10)


I can delight in the grace because I am so loved. That astounding grace covers me - all my limitations, my insecurities, my doubts, my mistakes. And because I am not perfect, God's love and grace are somehow made more evident in me. Praise JESUS that I don't have to be perfect, that I don't have to be afraid of making the wrong decisions.

THANK YOU JESUS that I am called to love deeply and live alongside people, not save them; that I am called to walk in truth and joy and then to challenge the people around me to do the same... What an honor for this broken, sometimes selfish heart to talk about how the Lord has redeemed me and how He continues day in and day out to do so, to talk about how great and true His love is. Through my quirks, my past and everything else un-perfect about me, the Lord can be revealed in power and glory. Amen :)

Jesus sits with Peter and asks him if he loves Him 3 times. And after each time Peter says "Yes, you know I do!". Then Jesus gives him instructions : "Feed My lambs", "Shepard My sheep", and "Follow Me". After everything that he's done, Peter is asked by God to live alongside people and love deeply, called to live a redeemed life. I am Peter. I am called to walk in redemption and bring other people with me. To live in love and bring hope, joy and truth. To invite people to "come and see" that the Lord is good and holy and oh, so full of grace!

So here I go. :)

I give her love - Ryan Long

I came a cross this song and something about it just... soothes my heart.

What will ever happen if I stop loving you...    
Until then I’ll be everything you need
I’ll carve your name in oak
And plant my hearts first seed
I’ll gather you all the money I could ever hope to make
I’ll even hold you up if your world begins to break
I’ll place my body on the line
Bless your lips that breathe
Give you all my money if I should ever choose to leave

For the dead and dying
In purgatory
I wait to give her love
I hide her memory
In the shadow lays a love
Under all the weeping trees

What will ever happen if I don’t stop loving you
You’re always every single thing I need
With every turning summer
And every fallen leaf
I shouldn’t want to give my heart away
With all the stories my mother said to me
I’d always be your man in every time of need
To give you more than moments should you ever choose to leave

For the dead and dying
In purgatory
I wait to give her love
And hide her memories
In the shadows lays a love
Under all of the weeping trees
Under all of the weeping trees

Woman who fits the character.

So, I have been reading Donald Millers blog - his thoughts as he is putting together another book! I love the way he talks about life, Jesus and his heart, something about the way he can put words together captures my heart and allows me to see Jesus in new ways... 

This week he had some really interesting thoughts and there has been a lot of  talk about them so thought I'd put aside little extra time to settle in and read them. The title is "How to have a great love story" Vol. 1 and 11 (first one for girls, second for the guys..)   

Love when I talk to Jesus about something that is on my heart, when I ask questions, when I struggle and wrestle with something, He answers.. Last few weeks been having really beautiful conversations with friends about love stories, about singleness, about marriage, about intimacy, about ways the Lord works - so of course, the Lord chuckles and nudges one of my favorite authors to share his thoughts. Jesus is so cool - I love that He gets what I need and what makes my heart heal and what challenges me!  

To start out : I don't agree with ever single statement in both posts, but I DO think there is truth and a lot of important points he made. Coming from women and gender classes stressing empowerment, asserting independence, equality, gender roles, etc. - some of his comments rubbed the wrong way and aren't aligned with my heart.  BUT, he did have some wisdom -whether you're the woman declaring 'chauvinistic pig' or agreeing with everything he said, I believe he has valid points.  

One of the things that really stood out to me was this sentence, "become the woman who fits the character in the love story you want to live.." (Vol 1).  How true... 

How can I expect this great love story if I am not be willing to work for it? 

How can I dream of this man that is so in love with Jesus and deeply loves the people in his life; that has passion, patience, wisdom; that seeks adventure, that is willing to take risks and goes forth on trust; that brings joy and laughter... How can I dream of spending my life with someone like this if I'm not willing to be make decisions that reflect this; if I'm not actively seeking Jesus, daring to trust and walk forward in His love? 

I want to be a woman that is worthy of the man above; I want to be able to walk beside him (not behind or in front of); I want to be able to push him to be closer to Jesus.. I DO want this crazy cool, wild and adventurous life and love story -- I'm not going to wait to be trusting Jesus or wait to make important decisions or wait to be this woman, because I don't have this man in my life yet. One thing that D.M. talked about that I that I totally agree with - being a naggy, bitchy, wishy-washy female doesn't help me, him OR Jesus. 

It has taken a long time but I'm beginning to believe that I deserve and am worth this man above; to spend my life playing, working and loving beside my best friend... (P.S. this still shocks me! Just a testament to how big God is!) I want to be the wife and best friend that he wants to spend the rest of his life; that Jesus uses to challenge and bring grace and truth. 

I can't do that if I'm hanging out and just waiting for this guy to show up. It is integral that I am living my life with Jesus NOW; that I am being challenged, stretched, molded, built and sharpened in the present, in my daily life if we are going to be able to have this incredible, crazy, wild, joyful, exciting, emotional, blessed, adventurous life together in the future. 

Whether the Lord is putting a future together for us in the soon or in the distant, this man is already pushing my heart and soul towards Jesus in ways that continue to stun me!

I want to be able to stand next to him and Jesus with a heart that is redeemed, full of truth, joyful, adventurous and seeking still more of Jesus... So that is what I am going to do :)  

P.S. I had Pandora playing while I was reading the posts / writing this and one of my favorite Brandon Heath songs 'Love Never Fails' came on... So cool how Jesus knows me heart and as I'm processing this all out - reminding me of the power, importance and absolute beauty of love. No wonder this is what our hearts crave, what our soul longs for, what we desperately need in our lives...    

Big dreams...

Sometimes I loose site of the present, I get wrapped up in crossing things off a list or what I don't have in my life or adventures yet to be had.. Unfortunately, I have this idea of a life that I want to live -- random dreams, details, concepts, and pictures in my head that I think is this ideal life -- and these things crowd my head and pull me away from the present. I find myself sometimes making decisions based on what I think my life should look in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years instead of what I'm learning now, instead of asking Jesus where He wants me, instead of being intentional with my time, my emotions, confronting my fears in the NOW...

I think for me its easier to plan, to focus on the future possibilities than it is to be present, be vulnerable, be honest in the present. Its hard to admit that I hide in plans or in the future because I am scared of being hurt, of being too vulnerable, of not being good enough in my life where I am right now.. 

Plans and dreams for the future remove me from my current reality.

In no way am I saying that plans and dreams are a bad thing at all! Dreams are huge motivators and definitely ways that the Lord works and reveals Himself in our lives. But it changes when God isn't apart of our dreaming... My very active imagination would conjure up this alter-reality in my head of a really sweet life and then it would sometimes be frustrating when I'd ''crash back to earth'' and find that I wasn't living that life.

Something the Lord has been teaching me over this last year is finding the balance between being inspired by dreams (which is fun and exciting and adventurous!!) while walking hand in hand with reality. I keep discovering He wants us to have this exciting, pee-your-pants, stomach-in-your-throat, release of control, this sweeeet adventure for our lives -- if He could dream up the WORLD and and the intricacies of the human body and the trillion of other details of our universe, then OF COURSE He would want this incredible life story for us, the one thing that He declared not only as good but very good.

I need be in communication with this crazy adventurous God that I keep underestimating. I need to come to the place that I have nothing left, that I can release this concept of control and this plan that I've held to so tightly and let it be replaced with something so much more precious and holy. I need to let go of hurt and the past and learn and live in deep trust - with myself, with people I love and with my Jesus. I need to learn how to live my life in a place of patience and grace. I need to allow profound joy to enter my life. I need to show up in people's lives and be real about my life, my fears, and challenge them to do the same.. 

I feel like I say this all the time but sometimes I still just don't get why Jesus chose me - insecurities, lack of trust, stubbornness, pride, arrogance all wrapped up in a 5'3, green eyed package! But the more I find I lack of myself, the more screwed up, the deeper the sin - this is where I more thoroughly begin to understand God's grace, how intimately He restores my aching heart, how deeply He desires my trust, how He redeems my past and my dreams, and how stunningly He loves me..

I'm beginning to understand what Paul was talking about in 2 Corinthians when he said "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (12:9) I'm okay with still having a lot to learn, with this journey to be full of ups and downs because all of this points to how BIG, how deep and how incredible my God is. 

If I'm living my life with my whole heart with Jesus then my life is going to be more adventurous, completely immersed in joy, deeply filled with love and more full then I could dream up on my own in 10 lifetimes.. I am choosing to walk in love and trust knowing that no matter how I fail by my standards or the worlds - I am chosen by God to be who I am...

Praise Jesus :)

How He loves..

I've had this song on my heart and in my thoughts on repeat these last few days... The more time I spend living this life - with all my mistakes, insecurities, dreams, joys and frustrations - the more I'm realizing how deeply and completely the Lord craves my heart, desires my attention, delights in being good to me... He is romancing my heart - who better to know exactly what takes my breath away and makes my heart sing then the One who created it?! The lyrics, emotions and images of this song describe intimately the way my heart is feeling these days - astounded that the Lord of all, the Greatest Lover of all time, is pursuing not only my thoughts but my heart and soul as well.. All this through minute and intimate details; through the small things like lyrics, paintings, music, conversations, places to sleep, beautiful drives, and stunning sunrises - these things that make

my soul dance and bring me to life..

Im speechless at this life that I have, the incredible people that surround me and this earth I get to walk on. Gosh, how beautiful that we get to not just see God in people but are called to walk life with our brothers and sisters through weddings and marriages, birth of babies and graduations, the break ups and the falling in love, adventures and trials, joys and frustrations, tears and laughter; to not just watch miracles happen but be apart of this transformation process; not not only dream of being redeemed and whole but to have Jesus be working this out through people and circumstances -- and all this because of His anbeliveable grace and love.

Take a few seconds and listen to this song... Allow the Lord to whisper these words in your ear and sink them deep into your heart; to wash away insecurities, frustrations, worries, fears and failures with His grace, joy, patience, desire and love for you.. 

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"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an "sloppy wet" kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

And oh, how He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

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This song turns my heart upside down..

Amor Trip 2010 : Day 1

Amor Trip 2010

Day 1:

        Well, this trip in probably my favorite weekend all year long. I know that part of my heart is always going to be with this incredible community in Puerto Penasco, Mexico; I feel like I am going home as we drive further and further from my stable and convenient life here in the United States into this broken, poor community that somehow has so much love, so much strength, so much faith... And getting to share this incredible experience with people that I live life with and love deeply is another solid reason that somehow after each of these few short days down here, I am changed.  Each experience has been different depending on the family we are building for, where their land is and who comes with us - and each trip has its own really special moments, this trip was really different and incredibly special for so many reasons! And each time I walk away with my heart full to overflowing, with my soul at peace; and with this burning desire to spend my life living and serving alongside people that are forgotten, that are living with a hope and a prayer and little else.. But I'm getting ahead of myself! Here's the run down of the trip with some of my favorite pictures (first time using my new camera on big trip like this and I think I got some good ones!) and then we'll get to my heart..

      Started off the trip the night before with a sleep over with Britni, Sammy and Ashley and then Sammy and had a midnight (really 2am) craving and went to get Wendy's and talked for the next few hours! Something so incredible about conversations in the middle of the night - maybe being a 'night person' has something to do with it! We met up with everyone at Hastings at 3:30am to head on down - the first of the many dance parties, lots of excited screams and the overwhelming feeling of excitement for what we were embarking on! Many, if not most, of the people on the trip had never been before and this brought a sweet fresh new perspective for us old timers! Got on the road about 4am and the excitement was replaced temporarily with exhaustion for most of our crew. Though I had plans to fall asleep, something about driving and talking while waiting for the sun to come up calms my soul and Britni and I had some sweet time together on the way to Phoenix! Stopped at Einsteins and got delicious coffee and bagel and got on the road again and got to take some sweet shots of the sunrise on our way to Gila Bend!

      And of course, everywhere there is a group of Flag Young Life people you can pretty much guarantee there is going to be music and a dance party so there were lots of those throughout the weekend! We got help up at the border for a while and so we definitely had a dance party with music blaring 50 feet from the U.S. and Mexican border - got some funny looks from the border patrol but it was worth it!

          Puerto Penasco is about an hour and a half in to Mexico once you cross the border and so by this point - we are all ready to be out of the cars and going crazy so lots of ridiculous conversations and inside jokes evolve! We finally get down to our campsite at about 2:30pm and rush to change and set up camp and go meet our family! The campsite is a little outside the town and I'm bouncing in my seat with excitement to meet out family and get going on putting up this house! One really sweet bit is that even though we had around 70 NAU/CCC students and adults from our community on the trip with us - we got to be working on the same house all weekend! Usually we have to split up which is a bummer but it was so sweet to have so many of us all together!

        The goal for the first day is to get the foundation laid - this time we were actually building 2 houses together so we had double the amount cement to make! Its so sweet the way people jump in wherever is needed - a group went to work at preparing the site to lay a flat and solid foundation, some started sawing and building the walls and roof and the rest started mixing sand, conrete and water to make the cement!

  

        This is our family whose house we got to build! Pascula (the mom), Eduardo (the son), Perla (2 month old baby) and Imelda (the oldest daughter). We only saw the dad briefly in the morning before he headed off to work sealing coconuts in town! Eduardo and Imelda helped us all weekend with many different projects for the house and Eduardo really loved showing off his photo taking and soccer skills!

 

                                

              

Below are some pictures of the families lives before we got there. The one on the far left is the clothes line (none of the house in this part of the suburbs of the city have any running water or electricity of any kind). The middle is the towel for washing the baby and the dishes; on the far left is a picture of the side of what they were living in before their new house - rusted metal and rotted plywood.

The bottles on the right are a source of income for the family - when the bottles are returned, you can get money for them. And on the far right - this rusted chair that's a catch all place for laundry, dishes, etc is the only piece of furniture they own.

The crew working hard!

Once we got both sides of the foundation poured, the family got to put their hand prints in the wet concrete. This is one of my favorite moments of the first day - seeing this family mark their home, declare it as theirs and begin to set in a firm foundation their future.. I lost my breath watching how unbelievably excited and full of joy each of their faces were, this incredible sense of confidence, hope and love that overcomes any cultural or linguistic barriers was unmistakeable.. I felt so clearly the smile on the Lord's face in that moment.

                                                   

Some fun pictures from the end of the day! Exhaustion, coke-a-cola and joy are a crazy mix!

                                                     

Another fantastic part of our trip is that we got to meet up with Area Director, Alberto Martinez and his lovely wife and some of the volunter leaders with Vida Joven (Young Life in Spanish) there in Puerto Penasco! They welcomed us at the building where they have club and do minitry from - its on the grounds of one of the leaders houses! We brought them dinner and enjoyed yet more coke and yummy food with them, played some ping pong and became family - it was beautiful! They are all so incredible and passionate about the kids in community and it was sucha blessing to hear how the Lord is working; but its also hard to hear how much the kids have to overcome - the lack of hope for the furture and sense of worthlessness of most of the youth not to mention the political and economic difficulties. But Alberto's and the leaders' passion and love for these kids is so prevelant and I know that the Lord has, is and will continue to be working miracles through them! Already we have plans to go back and help them with their weekend camp in a few weeks! (more to come on that!)

             Day 1 was unbelievable. It wasn't until were heading back to camp and I was in the back of the truck looking up at the stars with the wind in my face and heart so full that I realized my nap half hour nap on the way down didn't make up for no sleep for 2 days and once back at camp brushed teeth and crawled into my bright green sleeping bag with my face toward the stars and fell asleep with a smile on my face and in my heart.