Sometimes I loose site of the present, I get wrapped up in crossing things off a list or what I don't have in my life or adventures yet to be had.. Unfortunately, I have this idea of a life that I want to live -- random dreams, details, concepts, and pictures in my head that I think is this ideal life -- and these things crowd my head and pull me away from the present. I find myself sometimes making decisions based on what I think my life should look in a year, or 5 years, or 20 years instead of what I'm learning now, instead of asking Jesus where He wants me, instead of being intentional with my time, my emotions, confronting my fears in the NOW...
I think for me its easier to plan, to focus on the future possibilities than it is to be present, be vulnerable, be honest in the present. Its hard to admit that I hide in plans or in the future because I am scared of being hurt, of being too vulnerable, of not being good enough in my life where I am right now..
Plans and dreams for the future remove me from my current reality.
In no way am I saying that plans and dreams are a bad thing at all! Dreams are huge motivators and definitely ways that the Lord works and reveals Himself in our lives. But it changes when God isn't apart of our dreaming... My very active imagination would conjure up this alter-reality in my head of a really sweet life and then it would sometimes be frustrating when I'd ''crash back to earth'' and find that I wasn't living that life.
Something the Lord has been teaching me over this last year is finding the balance between being inspired by dreams (which is fun and exciting and adventurous!!) while walking hand in hand with reality. I keep discovering He wants us to have this exciting, pee-your-pants, stomach-in-your-throat, release of control, this sweeeet adventure for our lives -- if He could dream up the WORLD and and the intricacies of the human body and the trillion of other details of our universe, then OF COURSE He would want this incredible life story for us, the one thing that He declared not only as good but very good.
I need be in communication with this crazy adventurous God that I keep underestimating. I need to come to the place that I have nothing left, that I can release this concept of control and this plan that I've held to so tightly and let it be replaced with something so much more precious and holy. I need to let go of hurt and the past and learn and live in deep trust - with myself, with people I love and with my Jesus. I need to learn how to live my life in a place of patience and grace. I need to allow profound joy to enter my life. I need to show up in people's lives and be real about my life, my fears, and challenge them to do the same..
I feel like I say this all the time but sometimes I still just don't get why Jesus chose me - insecurities, lack of trust, stubbornness, pride, arrogance all wrapped up in a 5'3, green eyed package! But the more I find I lack of myself, the more screwed up, the deeper the sin - this is where I more thoroughly begin to understand God's grace, how intimately He restores my aching heart, how deeply He desires my trust, how He redeems my past and my dreams, and how stunningly He loves me.. I'm beginning to understand what Paul was talking about in 2 Corinthians when he said "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (12:9) I'm okay with still having a lot to learn, with this journey to be full of ups and downs because all of this points to how BIG, how deep and how incredible my God is.
If I'm living my life with my whole heart with Jesus then my life is going to be more adventurous, completely immersed in joy, deeply filled with love and more full then I could dream up on my own in 10 lifetimes.. I am choosing to walk in love and trust knowing that no matter how I fail by my standards or the worlds - I am chosen by God to be who I am...
Praise Jesus :)
