I want my life to look like the lyrics of this song. I want 'this' to be bigger than me. I want my soul to be awake. I want to breathe out Jesus is how I love and how I pursue girls. I want to invest my life in love, to be remembered for how big I loved. I want Jesus to be so big in me that I cease to exist, and it is solely Him chasing after hearts through me.
My heart aches for the faces that pass through my mind almost constantly. I want my heart to be broken, I want to see redemption. I want to be stunned and speechless at how BIG the Lord is and how infinite He is. I want my soul to stand in places of injustice and brokenness. I want to trust and dream big - bigger than my comfort zone, bigger than what I think I can do, past all of me.
I want to push my dreams solely into God's realm so I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was because of Him and His grace that they are coming true.
And I am. Moment by moment. Taking the next step or falling to my knees at how the Lord is pursuing my heart. Conversations in my car driving down 40 or 2 hour long talks in my kitchen that I know are only because of the Lord knowing my heart so deeply and intimately, knowing the words I need to hear to challenge, inspire and call me out.
Filling a mop bucket and coming face to face with my need for control, gasping for grace and grabbing for Jesus.
Standing in a room with 350 friends, men and woman, that are crying out for hearts broken over our cities, for healing and redemption, for God to show up and be glorified. Standing soul to soul proclaiming and declaring that we're walking in faith towards Jesus, taking as many of our middle school, high school and college friends with us.
Reading the words of incredible women as they reveal not only their insecurities but also the holy moments of their adoption journeys and the adventure they are trusting the Lord with. The passion the Lord has given them to rescue and bring home their children from around the world, just as Jesus pulled us and rescued us, bringing us home to be in His arms...
I believe the Lord absolutely delights in us moving closer to His heart; asking for ours to be broken for what breaks His; for the moments He gets to romance my heart and show me how worth it I am; the chance to wake me up with a loud boom of thunder and huge hail hitting my window so that I can smile and fall back asleep thinking how cool Jesus is...
I'm still prone to impatience.. I'm still sick to my stomach at how selfish I am... I still have an awful terrible struggle with letting go of control and trusting..
And yet, the Lord is asking big things of me. Instead of standing up and proclaiming "I got this God, thanks for the chance to show off how great I am - oh yeah, and You too!", I want to be on my knees asking for more grace and holiness, thanking Him for using the mess I am, asking to be closer to His heart then ever before.
I've been learning so much recently about what it means to lead, to be a leader and to be a follower. I am realizing more and more the people in my life that "lead me" towards Jesus are the ones on their knees, getting their hands dirty.
The more I see and discover the kind of leader I want to be, the more I want to be on my knees and get my hands dirty. The more I want to talk to Jesus. The more I want my eyes to be open and my heart to be looking for the holy moments, the glimpses of Jesus working and walking and crying and dancing with me.
A friend wrote this as his status and I was captured by these words: "Live the kind of faith that ought to require seat belts; do the kind of work that ought to require gloves."
I can't wait to stand before Jesus, say that I definitely needed a seat belt and that I got my hands dirty :)
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