Dirty Hands...

                                                                                                

I want my life to look like the lyrics of this song. I want 'this' to be bigger than me. I want my soul to be awake. I want to breathe out Jesus is how I love and how I pursue girls. I want to invest my life in love, to be remembered for how big I loved. I want Jesus to be so big in me that I cease to exist, and it is solely Him chasing after hearts through me.

My heart aches for the faces that pass through my mind almost constantly. I want my heart to be broken, I want to see redemption. I want to be stunned and speechless at how BIG the Lord is and how infinite He is. I want my soul to stand in places of injustice and brokenness. I want to trust and dream big - bigger than my comfort zone, bigger than what I think I can do, past all of me. 

I want to push my dreams solely into God's realm so I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was because of Him and His grace that they are coming true. 

And I am. Moment by moment. Taking the next step or falling to my knees at how the Lord is pursuing my heart. Conversations in my car driving down 40 or 2 hour long talks in my kitchen that I know are only because of the Lord knowing my heart so deeply and intimately, knowing the words I need to hear to challenge, inspire and call me out.                                                                                

Filling a mop bucket and coming face to face with my need for control, gasping for grace and grabbing for Jesus.                        

Standing in a room with 350 friends, men and woman, that are crying out for hearts broken over our cities, for healing and redemption, for God to show up and be glorified. Standing soul to soul proclaiming and declaring that we're walking in faith towards Jesus, taking as many of our middle school, high school and college friends with us.

Reading the words of incredible women as they reveal not only their insecurities but also the holy moments of their adoption journeys and the adventure they are trusting the Lord with. The passion the Lord has given them to rescue and bring home their children from around the world, just as Jesus pulled us and rescued us, bringing us home to be in His arms... 

I believe the Lord absolutely delights in us moving closer to His heart; asking for ours to be broken for what breaks His; for the moments He gets to romance my heart and show me how worth it I am; the chance to wake me up with a loud boom of thunder and huge hail hitting my window so that I can smile and fall back asleep thinking how cool Jesus is... 

I'm still prone to impatience.. I'm still sick to my stomach at how selfish I am... I still have an awful terrible struggle with letting go of control and trusting..

And yet, the Lord is asking big things of me. Instead of standing up and proclaiming "I got this God, thanks for the chance to show off how great I am - oh yeah, and You too!", I want to be on my knees asking for more grace and holiness, thanking Him for using the mess I am, asking to be closer to His heart then ever before. 

I've been learning so much recently about what it means to lead, to be a leader and to be a follower. I am realizing more and more the people in my life that "lead me" towards Jesus  are the ones on their knees, getting their hands dirty. 

The more I see and discover the kind of leader I want to be, the more I want to be on my knees and get my hands dirty. The more I want to talk to Jesus. The more I want my eyes to be open and my heart to be looking for the holy moments, the glimpses of Jesus working and walking and crying and dancing with me. 

A friend wrote this as his status and I was captured by these words:  "Live the kind of faith that ought to require seat belts; do the kind of work that ought to require gloves." 

I can't wait to stand before Jesus, say that I definitely needed a seat belt and that I got my hands dirty :) 

Waiting...

I came across this poem as I was reading a friend's blog this morning and it struck me hard... This past year (and still going) has been and is so much about trusting myself and trusting Jesus; about His faithfulness and me learning to be faithful; about healing and brokenness; about redemption and grace; about peace and joy; and wrapped up in all of that, its been about waiting...   


I've prayed word for word some of the lines in this poem - wishing for fast answers and quick fixes, for immediate gratification and for my heart not to be broken. And yet, the Lord has met me here - when my heart is broken He can speak and heal; when I'm tired and lacking faith, He covers me and my selfishness; when I'm frustrated and not at all patient, I can  see His grace in this elaborate redemption adventure He has asked me to be apart of.




                                                                         Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...

and the Master so gently said,"Wait.""

Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate

hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?

"I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.

Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?

"He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love

when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

~Author Unknown

And so I wait. 

I wait for God to continue pursuing my heart and revealing a little bit more about where He has called me; I wait and open my arms to the people that are in my life now, loving and crying and living and dreaming together; I wait and I pray for the faces that pass through my mind and dig deep into my heart; I wait and dream of possibilities and opportunities and adventures; I wait and I learn and seek knowledge and wisdom, I ask questions and dream; I wait and I rest, knowing that my life will not look like this much longer; I wait and learn patience and just a little bit more about relying on the Lord with all of me, instead of just a part; I wait and I pray for friends now and friends to be, for an abundance of grace and a mass of courage, for the adventure and plans that are unfolding, for God to be bigger than I could dream imagine and even bigger to even comprehend...

I'm captivated by this song... The lyrics are words from my heart and so I listen to this on repeat for hours, knowing that Jesus delights in my waiting, that He is meeting me here and preparing the adventures to come, the relationships and faces to meet, the joys and the heartaches in store, the profound grace and the chances to catch deeper glimpses into His heart, to come face to face and heart to heart with His unconditional and all consuming love. 

I sit and I dance and I pray and I cry and I trust and I love as I am waiting for the next step, the next piece to fall into place, the next challenge to jump into on this crazy adventure of life that He for me. 

Into the light...

AMEN :)

Speechless.

I am completely speechless, surely I should fall to my knees..

My God leaves me utterly speechless that He chooses me.

I have been given much and much is expected of me.

Much is on my heart, on my soul... My empty arms ache and my heart hurts as it longs for what the Lord is putting together...

I am excited, heart broken, passionate, emotional and a little scared - what a fantastic place to be!