Monday, November 21, 2011

"Holla, mi nombre es..."

One of the things that is rolling round 'n round in my head is this idea of names. I was talking about it with some friends a bit ago and since then, I've been loving what the Lord is showing me about my name and about our identities.

Maybe Shakespeare was onto something in Romeo and Juliet with his famous "what's in a name?" quote - it is such a powerful question. When someone asks who you are, the natural response is "Well, I'm (insert your name)", and that's that. Our name is what we are known by, it's our identity, something we can embrace or hide behind, something we can be proud of or want to walk away from. It has this power, this element of revealing our soul.

There can be so much love in someone's voice when they say our name.. Or such indifference. Someone remembering my name has the power make me feel loved, known, wanted and important; but on the flip side, if someone's like 'Oh yeah, you... how's it going?', I feel a little lost and a lot insignificant.

It got me thinking... about my name and what it says about me. So, (and if you know me, you know what I did next..), yep I googled the meaning of my name (big surprise right!). And this is what I found:

      Kailey means 'keeper of the keys', 'pure/purity', 'darling', 'beloved', 'rare beauty'.

      Elizabeth means 'God's promise', 'God is my oath'.

I sat there and was overwhelmed. I mean, 'keeper of the keys'? Seriously? THAT'S really me? 'God's promise'? What does that EVEN mean??! I've been captivated with how John is so fully rooted in being 'the beloved one' but I don't know if I could really call myself that...

And some beautiful words came from Jesus to soak into my heart.. Sometimes it blows me away how intimately the Lord knows my heart - He KNEW that I would need my name to be BELOVED so that I could soak in it, so that I could remember every time my name is spoken, called or yelled that I am really hearing 'darling, My beloved'. He KNEW that I would need something as ridiculous as a middle name to remember that my identity, my reason for living is to be apart of fulfilling His promises of love and redemption here as I walk this earth.

And the whole 'keeper of the keys' thing, I don't know what that is all about but there is something in my soul that resonates as I hear those words... So I'm going to keep thinking over those words and see what other sweet things the Lord has for my heart in them :)

The more days I live, the more I am coming to realize that importance of knowing who we are. Not just the random 'I can do this weird trick' (though that's fun and good), but more who I am - where my heart is, what makes me come alive, what makes me stop and thank Jesus, what makes me ache for grace, what makes me rest in His faithfulness, what makes me reach for trust, what brings me to my knees, what stops my heart with beauty, what makes me run away and what pisses me off, what stirs my soul...

Cause if we don't know who we are, if we aren't sure-without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt/deeply-aware/living-in-the-midst of our identity as the loved one, then I don't think we can fully come alive.. I know that when I'm trying to patch this/just make it to the next moment/cross things off my list/stay above the water, then I'm missing something vital, something crucial. That isn't me living a full life, it's not me coming alive, it only existing.

I don't want to just exist.

want 'm gonna dance.
want 'm gonna be joyful.
I want 'm gonna stand in awe.
I want 'm gonna be speechless.
I want 'm gonna laugh so hard I cry.
I want 'm gonna ask hard questions.
I want 'm gonna intimately know God's heart.
I want 'm gonna know that meaning of family.
I want 'm gonna love so hard my heart hearts and my hands are dirty.
I want 'm gonna have the 'stampeding elephants' feeling in my stomaching.

And so, I am going to live out my name to it's fullest. I'm going to be the person that my name calls out to me to be.

I'm not going to lie, it's hard. Hard to stand firm in my 'belovedness' when I have so many things screaming at me that I'm not worth it, that all I got is junk. Hard to sink deep into 'God's promise' when I have a video on replay in my mind of all the times I've screwed up.

BUT, thank goodness for the His faithfulness. For His grace. For His peace. For the way that He covers all my inadequacies so that I can just keep breathing in and moving closer to His heart and who He has made me to be... :)

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