Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Coming awake..

Some days I wonder...


Some days I ache...


Some days I get frustrated and unsure...


Some days I am so excited that I start shaking... 


Some days I simply don't understand...


And I am discovering something really important - that no matter what I'm feeling that day - if I let myself step back and right into Jesus with the fears and trepidation, those blasted insecurities, the shaking-in-my-boot excitement, the wonder and amazement, the frustration and the millions of questions or simply with my aching heart... He meets me there.


I came across these words last night and felt such peace... 


           "My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is 
           the only way we'll know we're living truly, living God's reality. It's also the way
           to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For
           God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do 
           ourselves." (1 John 3:18-20)


I love that this starts out with talking about real love, about living a full life. And He knows that for us that means so many emotions, so many hard situations, such pain and longing, such joy and grace... And the best way to keep out of my head the revolving parade of mistakes, the "I shoulda's" and the "I'm not worth  ____'s..." is to keep. Keep loving, keep walking forward, keep moving towards His heart, keep breathing when that's all I can do, keep trusting with all of me, keep listening even when the silence is deafening, keep asking questions and keep expecting Him to answer in His time...


I want to live "in God's reality". I want to be so awed by who He is and how He redeems that I'm speechless. I want to see people's souls shake when they realize how deeply they are loved. I want to know in my gut, in my soul, that God is faithful and steadfast. And I'm realizing that the more I ask of God, the more I want Him to be revealed and the more I need grace - the deeper I need to sink into trust. 


I thought that He was good and in my head I knew that "He worked everything together for His marvelous plan"- but the closer I get to His heart, the more I need to not just read but rely on His promises; the more I need to believe and not have thoughts about how good He is; the more I need to know and not just think that He knows me, my heart, my journey AND everyone else's to align them together for His perfect will; the more I need to act in deep trust instead of just saying the words that His timing is so much better than my own... 


Because this journey is not my own. Because even though I don't exactly enjoy roller coasters (well, more the plummet to the earth with great speed and force part) or the shoving myself off of things from great heights - there is the beautiful moment of feeling so blessedly alive as the ground is racing up to meet your face. I think that we are made to be alive, to come awake. Made to do and be. Made to have a crazy story, live this amazing adventure. To look back and say "WOW! That was a crazy ride!"...


And to be alive and come awake means that I need to step out of complacency and of comparison into compassion, into grace, into joy and laughter, into tears and hard conversations... For what else is fullness about after all?


I'm discovering that as I walk into what He is calling for me, the more I need all of Him - not just the comfortable parts - and that requires all of me - not just the convenient, the pretty, the comfortable but the aching, the questions, the confusion, the past experiences, the uncomfortable and ugly parts... And the incredible thing is, He wants it. He wants me - baggage, failures, and the greatness all roled into one. He delights in me, He made me, He desires my ME and He is continuously pursuing my stubborn heart.. Go figure, huh? 


I love how the passage wraps up with "for God is greater than our worried hearts and know more about us than we do ourselves." It makes sense, doesn't it? My silly little heart takes so much onto itself - the details, the stories of others, the "planning", the confusion but He is bigger than it all. And He can handle it. He doesn't need my input or questions or doubt every half second and it certainly isn't good for my stress level.  Now if I could just get that into my head and heart a little deeper, I might be a little smarter... This gives me peace, that even though my heart is fickle and my eyes are woozy, He is still good, still God, still sovereign, still faithful and still deeply in love with me.


In the words of  C.S. Lewis, "the great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go, God's love does not."  Amen, my friend. For some days, that's all I can I can hold onto. I am so thankful that He is so much more faithful that my fickle heart and so much more steadfast then my wandering eye, that He wants me close to His heart and that His patience level is light years beyond mine. 


Time isn't guaranteed for any of us. And I don't know when I'll get to see Jesus face to face, but I do know that I want the people that I love to meet me there. And to be celebrating, dancing/hopping around, signing (off key for me) and hanging out with Jesus for eva... To be able to tell Him that I loved deeply, that I walked toward Him even when I didn't understand, and that I trusted who He is and was and will be. And so today I am singing this song over and over wanting the words to sink deep into my aching heart... Because we are meant to come awake.


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