Monday, February 14, 2011

That split second..

Why is it that the world is so screwed up? Why do people who claim to love us, by actions show that they really don’t? Why does that hurt so much?

How can people walk through life acting like they are have it all together and only see failure in others? Why do people seem to want the world to focus around them- forgetting that others are worth time and attention and can have so much to give back? How can we get to busy that we can’t sit and listen or do something small (or large) for those the continuously seem to be blessing us? Why is life so hard? How can people, who you should be able to trust, respect and admire– betray and not care? Why is it that it hurts so much when people forget promises or commitments made to you? How did trust become so unpopular?

How can someone pledge their forever and then take it away when something or someone better comes along? How can someone not want a beautiful girl with big green eyes and a smile that melts your heart?

Why are there millions of children being given absolutely no hope for the future when they ARE the future? How can people walk on by, when there are so many just crying out for someone to care? Why are so many kids having babies- just so they can feel loved? But then how can they do to their kids exactly what their parents did to them? How much longer are people going to ignore those that need a smile or a hug, cause maybe that is the only thing that will help them to survive the day?

Why is it so hard to believe someone when they compliment you? What happened to the thought that everyone has influence to those around us- not just those with money or power? When did power become something to abuse and not use wisely? Why are we letting kids think that it is o.k. to hurt and condemn those that look or speak different than us? Why are we showing the next generation that nobody should care about those that come after us?

Sometimes my heart hurts so much when I look at a child or adult and in that split second of eye contact, they beg and plead to have someone, anyone show them that they ARE so important, that they are simply and completely loved for no reason other than they exist. That they can do NOTHING, good or bad to have that love taken away.

It makes me think that maybe that is how God feels when He looks deep in our hearts- that second of complete and utter vulnerability. That one moment that holds everything about ourselves that we don’t ever want to face alone. Those moments of complete devastation at the loss of our dreams or losing someone we love. The exact point in time when nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be the same. God’s heart is so big that He tells us that we don’t have to face that moment alone. He says that we are made to be in complete fellowship with him. He knows about those moments and thoughts that we hide from those around us as well as those we try to not face ourselves.

He knows better than anyone else what it means to be left with nothing. He gave up everything just so He could know how we feel when we are completely lost and empty. All He wants in that moment is to be able to cry with us and be able to simply BE in that moment with us. It scares me to think of someone loving me that much...

We, or at least I, seem to go through life looking to the people around me and objects to feel that acceptance that seems to be deep in the existence of all of us. I want to know deep in my heart that I am completely and deeply loved. I want to have someone look me in the eye and say that I have done nothing too bad or made too many wrong decisions or screwed up my life past the point of being redeemed. I want someone to look at me and say “I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!”

Not “I will love you when… you do this for that person” or “If you act this way, then I will decide to love you”. I seem to have the desire deep in me- it controls most of my actions and I let it play hugely on my insecurities’. So why is it so hard and why does it hurt so much to make the effort to BELIEVE with all of me that God loves me in that way? He made me to have that overwhelming desire to be loved like that and He is the only one that can fill that huge hole in my heart.

It is hard because I have made choices that placed me in positions of getting my heart stepped on. Now I have a very hard time trusting anyone and the instinct of self preservation keeps a voice going in my head of “Well, that person thought I wasn’t worth it.” And “Remember that one time, when they said those words and they didn’t care that they were hurting you?” “Oh and recall those moments of not feeling beautiful enough for them or worthy enough of their attention? Well, you had better believe they were true. So don’t ever believe that stupid person who dares say you are good enough.”

It is a silly little image that makes me feels like I am in a Disney movie, but I feel at times like I can touch those little people that sit on my shoulder. One of them being my consciousness and mind and the other being my broken heart trying to protect itself. One saying that I am not worth anyone’s time and attention and emotions, and then the other saying that all those thoughts are lies that are sent to my mind so that I will have a very difficult time trusting that I could ever be worth anything to some- let alone the God that is utterally perfect and chasing after me...

It is so much easier to believe those voices of pessimism and negative images of myself. In those all too often moments that I surrender to those thoughts, I want to run from God. I don’t want Him ever to know that I think that stuff of myself. In those moments, I KNOW in my soul that I am telling the God that made me that I think He did an awful job on me. That all of the time and thoughts and wishes and dreams and plans He created for me are useless. I can’t imagine being God. I have such a hard time dealing with rejection but I can’t come close to comprehending how much it must hurt to have to watch me, someone He loves so completely and so deeply and without reservations, turn away. To have to sit back and love me enough to have me spit in your face and yell and scream at Him. And through all that, have only the profound desire to have me sit and cry out my troubles in his lap.

I want so much to believe that He loves me more than I could ever comprehend.To believe that He thinks and dreams and plans for me to have a life that would be better than I could ever dream up on my own. He wants to make my heart unbroken and He wants me to trust that He will never do something purposely to hurt me. It is so hard to walk in those thoughts but I am resting in the peace that I don’t have to be or do anything. That all I have to do is sit and be honest with him and let him have power over my insecurities, let him have the right. There aren’t words to describe that moment of utter peace and complete belief in Him and in myself.

1 comment:

  1. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thoughts. You have incredible insight. You bless me. Love you Kailey.